I know I know. I haven't posted much since I started this blog. It's not because I don't have anything to say.....it's more because I have too much to say and I don't know where to start! I'm also hesitant to reveal too much about my old life. There are things I felt I needed to keep private as I believe some people would not understand why I did them or allowed them to happen. But now I want to open up. I think it would be good therapy for me to.
When I met my ex de-facto I had just turned 20. I was still very immature and naive. I had not had much life experience and my life was about music, partying and not worrying about the future. I'd dropped out of uni because I wanted to move out when I was 18 (there were a lot of family difficulties I won't go into here) which meant I needed to work full-time to pay the rent and bills. I'd had one live-in relationship (12 months when I was 18) that turned sour. While I was in that relationship I was the singer in my boyfriend's band. I'd moved back in with my parents and had no responsibilities to speak of. I barely even cleaned my room. I did have plans to go back to uni before I met my ex. I also had plans to continue with my music (piano and singing) in some way, shape or form. These plans went by the wayside in the months and then years to come.
At the time, I did not think of myself as a person who would have their thoughts and actions dominated by a man, even if I loved him. Well, I was wrong.
In the beginning things were great. We went on social outings with mutual friends.....I had my friends, he had his friends. He didn't seem to have a problem any of this, or with me going back to study or joining a band, or starting to play piano again.
In September of 2003, we decided to purchase a house in Thornlie. Initially, the mortgage was put in his mother's name as neither of us had a good credit rating (him because he'd had some bad experiences with loans, me because I didn't have enough savings or been in my my new job for more than a year). After about a year, the house was put in his name because, as he described it at the time, we could eventually get another investment property and put it in my name to get a 2nd first homeowners grant.
We loved eachother a lot then. Life was good. My parents (when they were still together) moved down south to Dunsborough for a while and we visited them down there, and his father, who lives in Augusta. We went out for dinner, to family get-togethers, to parties and to the movies. We took our dog Sasha to the beach in his 4-wheel drive. He bought me flowers. He even began saying he wanted to quit smoking.
Then, things gradually started to change. He started wanting to stay at home more. He started wanting to leave parties/outings early, canceling plans and saying he didn't want to go to family get-togethers at the last minute. Then he started having problems whenever I wanted to go out with friends, and got "annoyed" by my practicing singing & piano playing. One night, I went to a friend's place after work on a Friday. She lived in Scarborough (ages from Thornlie). It was a winter's night, and the weather gradually got worse until it was impossible to see out the window of her apartment. I decided it was safer to stay the night rather than risk driving all the way home in the horrible weather so I rang him to let him know I'd be home in the morning. He got really angry, shouting on the phone to me so loud that my friend and another girl that was there could hear him. They exchanged glances as if to say "why does she put up with that?". In the end I ended up driving (very carefully) home in the wind and hail to make him happy. Stupid, I now know.
Now, there's something that I haven't posted yet in this blog: I am bi-sexual. I am not ashamed of it any more. I have had relationships where the guy did not have a problem with it and either allowed me to be with girls outside of the relationship or with him. This particular ex SAID he didn't have a problem with it, he even WANTED me to bring girls home to him occasionally, but then got jealous and suspicious whenever I was alone with (straight, bisexual or lesbian) girls.
My current partner, who cares for, adores and respects me in every way, wants me to be with him him only, and I respect that and have come to terms with the fact that I am never going to be with a girl ever again. It's a daily struggle, but I can deal with it, because I love him completely, don't want to hurt him, and have decided I don't want to be with anyone else but him, ever. He doesn't mind me looking at girls though, which is just as well, because I'll always appreciate the (outer and inner) female beauty that surrounds me daily.
So the girl who's place I was at that night was bisexual as well. My ex knew it. I didn't act on any feelings I had towards her. I had never been anything but loyal to him. But still, my ex did not trust me with her and that reason was behind him wanting me to come home that night. The other reason was that this particular girl (who I'd discussed all this with) was not attracted to him and therefore did not want to be with both of us. Both her and I both agreed that it would be best if we were only friends. I should have known then that his growing mistrust of me would cause greater problems than I ever could have imagined....
....to be continued.
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