I wrote this in a series of 140 character posts to Twitter as I was out for a walk down by the river yesterday (Saturday) Things seem to be ok now, crisis averted, but there are a lot of things I need to change about myself if I am to be truly happy, start loving myself, and make the one person in my life happy & want to love me & stay around.
My emotional behaviour & self-loathing is an offshoot of still not being over coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship less than 9 months ago. This is all new stomping ground for me: I'm not used to people wanting to be around me, caring about me unconditionally or loving me for me, if that makes sense.
I need to work on my emotional outbursts and self-loathing, stop trying to please everybody, and not only focus on my own happiness but also on the needs of my partner whom I love dearly. I want nothing more than to be the best person I can be, for him and for myself. My self-destructive behaviour stops as of this weekend just past. A new day is dawning.....
The wind slips quietly over the river to dry my tears while I walk straight. I look over the horizon....and wander where my happy has gone.
My hair whips my cheeks under my cap....I think about the scars that are the mistakes in my life....I keep messing up again & again & again.
I stop & sit on a plank by the river, cross my legs & take a deep breath, contemplating the night. Have I ruined my one chance at true love?
My soul bleeds & I wander if passers by can see a salt crust of tears on my cheek. I try to force a smile to warm my heart but I feel numb.
But I must get up, brush myself off and face whatever the afternoon may hold. So I sigh and keep walking....thinking....dreaming....hoping.
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