The winds of change

A lot has happened since my last glowy post. In one scary, violent night (involving my poor defenseless cat), my relationship with the man I thought was amazing and wonderful a month ago ended abruptly. After I said I was leaving due to his treatment of my cat and myself, I found myself physically removed by him from the house, on the street with nothing but my phone, my kitty and my handbag, in my pyjamas, in the middle of winter. Not the most fun Friday night I've ever had.

I'm going to find it so hard to trust again. When you meet someone, and they seem to be everything you want, how can you foresee that things could go horribly, terribly wrong? What signs are there, that scream to you "stay away"? This is the second time I have been involved in a relationship with a man that turned violent. The first time, there were many signs. I stayed because he made me feel like no one would want me, that I had no one who cared for me, and couldn't survive on my own. I was young, naive, mixed up in something I couldn't control or escape from until I finally managed to be persuaded by someone who had come back into my life to leave forever and never look back. But this time? I couldn't read the signs if they were there, at the time. It's only since we got back from Thailand that things started getting weird. Now I look back though, I realise that he did have a controlling streak. But it wasn't enough for me to think "One day this man is going to push me into a corner so I can't move, after kicking my cat & saying he'll break his ribs next time then physically remove me from the house". He says I pushed him to it because I suffered from depression (after having a few things in my life happen that overwhelmed me). Yet I was never violent to him or nagging (not that nagging warrants violence), I just happened to not agree with some things he did or said and was sad sometimes. Years ago I would have thought I deserved it, but now I do not. Leon (my kitty) certainly doesn't.

Yet I now question my instincts. My intelligence. My judgement. I'm going to be much more wary when I meet people, let them in to my world and open my soul.

Today is a new day, I've just turned 30... a new decade of possibilities. And this time, I won't be letting any person control my destiny. It's mine, and it's now. I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot to learn from.